Back after a hiatus
I am writing again after a hiatus of two-ish years. What happened? Lots.
Reason 1: I had a kid, it’s not as difficult as people make it out to be. It’s quite manageable with a supportive family. You have to be there emotionally for the child. I love being there for him. I spent the past two years figuring out what this means and I am loving every minute of it. I think the simple hack to this very complicated responsibility of being a father is to love. That is it. Your responsibility as a father (parent) is to give the child unconditional love. The rest just falls into place. Anytime I find what I need to do next, I just fall back on this dictum. Love is not equal to spoiling just in case you're wondering. Love can also mean saying no, preventing, protecting, and disciplining.
The second thing that happened to me was I closed down my businesses — I went from being an entrepreneur to being employed. Not just being employed but being employed in a very different way. In my last ten years, I have prided myself on my ability to “get things done”. I was good at it and it’s natural to enjoy something you’re good at.
Dec 2021, I was offered a role by Dr. Adil Haider, the Dean of AKU, to help steer the project of writing a medical textbook. The first of its kind for Pakistan. We’ve always consumed educational literature in medicine from the West. These textbooks are great in quality but the only downside to them is that they are not written for us. I completely believed in the idea as soon as Dr. Adil told me about it, however, I didn’t know if I was the right person to do it. In my mind, I was a doer, this was the work of a thinker.
Ironically, here I was doing the thinking about it. I reflected on it for the next couple of months. Ever since I closed down my business, I felt this burning desire to see patients again. I went into Public health to create an impact with numbers. 10 years into it, I realized that we are human and as humans, we need to be close to the problem that we are trying to solve otherwise we lose touch with it. As a physician, I was seeing that change happen within me. Healthcare had become numbers for me. The number of people treated, dollars spent, etc. The soul was slowly fading away. I did what I could to stay connected with the patients but it wasn’t enough.
When I closed down the business I realized now is the time to double down on that burning desire from within. Then came the doubts — am I too old to go through training again? At 33, if I start training, I would start in my 30s and finish training in my early 40s. Two people I want to give a lot of credit to for encouraging me, are Dr. Junaid Razzak and my wife. Let’s start with the missus first.
Her unconditional support in my pursuing this path gave me so much courage. I love her for that. As soon as I shared this idea with her she was like let's go for it — I will do whatever you need to get this done and she has. I love you, Maryam.
Next, I called my mentor — Dr. Junaid Razzak. “Sir, I am thinking of pursuing EM — what do you say, is it too late?” He said, “ It’s never too late — you can do it”.
And thus I went forward full steam ahead like a steam engine. However, my engine had a grave fault which I will share with you in a bit. I would say it’s that fault in the engine that has held me back from writing the past couple of years.
Where were we, pardon the digression — yes, Dr. Adil Haider had given me a very interesting proposition, to lead the writing of a textbook. I contemplated this idea for two months. Should I do this? Does it make sense for me to do it?
That’s when one day it struck me — what better way to learn to be a good physician than to coauthor a textbook of medical education? Here I was being offered a chance to be taught by the best specialists in not just Pakistan but arguably the best specialists in the region in the process of writing this book.
In January 2022 I said yes. And here we went. The world of academia is not too different from the world out there. Be nice, be polite and people respond. Build great teams and get great output. Constantly learn to constantly grow. The same principles that work out in the world work in Academia too. So for anyone who is contemplating this switch between the two worlds — it’s not too bad it’s enjoyable. Especially if you’re a thinking sort of person you might like it.
Going through this transition in my career meant that I had to go inwards, introspect and then figure things out — alhamdulillah I think I have more clarity in that capacity now.
A year and a half later — the book is complete and inshallah we are publishing it soon — currently in negotiations with various publishers for it.
The third and most important reason for this hiatus from writing was medical.
For the past two years, most mornings I have woken up feeling like death. Groggy, brain fog, irritable. The onset was so insidious that I attributed it to so many things. Maybe I had depression, maybe I had a tumor in the brain, maybe this is what middle age feels like. I went through so many diagnoses, therapy sessions, and clinical appointments. Eventually, one day, I figured out that I had sleep apnea.
How could I have sleep apnea — I am a fit guy who plays sports and has reasonably good lifestyle habits, sleep hygiene, and an exercise routine the works. But here I was. I have always snored. Since a young age I have snored and it was always something funny that people teased me about and that’s how I treated it.
Today I have realized — snoring is not funny at all. Snoring means your airway is collapsing when you’re sleeping. And that creates a fluttering sound. If you snore and you have some of the above symptoms I shared. Do not take it easy, get yourself checked. You might have a condition called obstructive sleep apnea (OSA).
A couple of weeks ago — I finally started using CPAP and that has changed my life. I feel like my old self again. Energetic, sharp, thinking, and optimistic about life. All of these things were taken away from me.
I have had a relatively privileged life with only a few challenges along the way — but I must say facing and overcoming sleep apnea has been my biggest challenge.
Imagine not sleeping restfully for years on end. For many years I didn’t dream because the body never went into deep enough sleep to get to the REM phase. What this does to our brains is that it runs us out of neurotransmitters. Depression hits you, anxiety hits you. You’re constantly fighting your physiology. And nobody could understand what you’re going through because hey — it is just some snoring after all.
All my friends who feel like they have such symptoms do not delay treatment. CPAP fixes things and you will love life again. It’s worth it — do it for yourself and your loved ones.
The credit for my recovery from Sleep Apnea I must give to my dentist, Dr. Murtaza Kazmi who really helped me on this path to recovery I also would like to thank my family and wife who struggled with me during this journey. I lost my patience with them many times but it is their immense love that helped me get through and overcome this challenge that was sent my way.
Also, another thing I learned during this process is that when faced with a chronic illness or a chronic condition — one of our responses is to deny it. I was denying the fact that I had sleep apnea even though I knew I had it for the last two years. I was hell-bent on fixing it through my lifestyle. Work out more, eat less, and eat healthily. But at some point, you need to make peace with the fact that you have a chronic condition and you have to manage it. And if you do not manage it, no one else will. This thought process was encouraged by a colleague — a young doctor named Sabeeh who works with me at AKU. I also seek inspiration from my father who has dutifully managed his diabetes for the last 33 years without any serious complications alhamdulillah.
So for anybody who has a chronic illness/condition. Don’t deny it to yourself — accept it and it becomes easier to manage, both physically and emotionally.
If there’s one takeaway you leave with from my Oscar speech above it’s what I just shared with you in the last paragraph.
I am back baby — more thoughts to come. Stay tuned!
